In the past few days I have been showered with love and prayers from my amazing friends and family.
For those who are unaware of what has been going on, I'll let you know...
Since February/March, Bryan and I have been trying to have another baby. We expected it to take a while, since it took about 7 months for us to have Zach.
Near the middle of June I started having some health problems. I was nauseous, having headaches, and feeling weak and tired. We thought I might be pregnant! But then some other health problems came up... I took a home pregnancy test and it was negative. I kept having the same health problems though. So I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment. I was sleeping 12-13 hours a day, weak, sick, and gaining weight. Near the end of July, when a certain 'gift from nature' did not arrive, I took another test. It was positive! We wanted to wait until after my appointment to tell everyone.
I had my appointment Friday, August 6. They confirmed that I was pregnant. We told our family and friends that weekend. However, I still was not feeling well and I felt I was further along than they first told me. They scheduled another appointment for Wednesday the 11th.
The afternoon of the 10th, I started having some problems... The nurse told me that as long as I was not having any pain, I should wait for my appointment. By the time of my appointment things had gotten worse. I was not having any pains, but we were very concerned. My doctor told me I was almost 10 weeks along (So I had been pregnant in June!), but she was concerned about my problems. She asked if we could come back that afternoon for an ultrasound and bloodtest. We scheduled the appointment and went home crying.
If they found a heartbeat, I would have to be on bedrest. We only have one car right now and Bryan works 45 minutes from where we live. Plus Ayla is in school now and Zach is still at home. I'm not the type of person who likes not being busy. I have to be doing something and keeping busy. The idea of bedrest was not going over well... I just could not think of how it would work...
If they didn't find a heartbeat though... I mean... how do you cope with the idea that there might or might not be a 10 week old inside of you that might or might not be dying? I spent most of the day crying... It was the fact that we did not know that was most upsetting...
At my ultrasound that afternoon they confirmed. I had already lost the baby.
While we were upset over the loss, we were also relieved. We want to have another baby, but we also want to be able to take care of the two children we have. The doctor told me that after my body returns to it's normal self (well, as normal as I can be) we can continue trying.
I have been touched by all the concern and love from our family and friends. I have also been surprised to learn just how many women I know have been through the same thing. Unfortunately, there have been a few people who do not understand how calm and 'okay' I am with what has happened. Let me explain...
I want a baby, ALOT. But I have been blessed with two children already, and my priority right now is to take care of the family I have. I trust in the will of my Lord. Whatever reason He has for allowing us to go through this, I know it is for the best of those involved. This is how I see it... The Lord saw that somewhere down the line, something would go wrong. Maybe we would lose the baby after it was born, or maybe something would happen to me during the pregnancy or delivery... Either way, The Lord saw that there would be a problem. Instead of putting us through that tragedy, He decided to take care of the baby in Heaven. Now both of us are safe.
I know the Lord will heal my body and our hearts. We will try again, and if the Lord blesses us, we will have another baby. If it is not the will of the Lord, I know He will provide comfort.
My trust is in my Lord. He has never left me and He never will. He has given me peace in knowing we are all safe...
He has also blessed me with amazing family and friends who have been supportive, kind, and sharing during this time. It helps to know that many of my friends/family have been through this before... And God has touched them, just as He has touched me...
So I assure you... despite everything... I know it happened for a reason. I am alright.
I love you all and thank you for your support. May God bless each of you!
