I love music. I remember music always being in the background of my life. My mom played records while she cleaned the house. I sang in choir from Kindergarten through graduating high school. I've been in church choirs. I've studied music from other cultures. I took music lessons and voice lessons in high school. I almost always have music playing at home. If I know the words to a song, chances are I will sing along... unless someone else in around...
As much as I love music... as much as it is a part of my life... I have a hard time singing solo when people can hear me...
Why?
I am really self-conscious. Crazily so.
When I entered high school, I weighed 180 and was 5ft 5 inches. I was a nerd. I was an outcast. I was scarred from years of mental and emotional abuse. I was a mess.
Then, I decided to change. I didn't want to be that person anymore...
I worked out, a lot. I reached out more. I lost 50 pounds. I had new friends. I had new hobbies. I was working to overcome my past. I was a new person...
I was still a nerd. I was still an oddball, but people liked me for who I was now. And I liked myself, finally...
I was always in choir. Surrounded by other people, all of us singing, I had no problem. Then, a friend of mine (who was also in the choir) asked me to audition for the school musical with her. I figured it couldn't hurt. We both tried out. She didn't get a part, but I was placed on the make-up crew backstage. It was one of the most amazing experiences I had ever had. The spirit, the camaraderie, the fun, the learning experience... It was all amazing.
The next year, I started drama. I loved my drama classes. I loved the new friends. I LOVED the experience of being on stage.
On stage I wasn't Jessica Milligan. I wasn't this broken high school student trying to deal with the reality of my crazy family life. I could be anyone, anywhere, doing anything.
Over the years, things change... Thankfully, I am not the same person. I'm not in the same situations anymore. I don't have to hide who I am.
But, as I said, I am not the same person. Somewhere through the years, I lost my confidence. I'm not happy with how I look. I don't have a huge group of supportive friends. I don't express myself in the quirky little ways that I used to.
I kind of melted into this wife-mom blob. I hid a lot of myself to try and fit in and I lost those parts somewhere. I started second guessing everything that I do... I am tired of it... I've started on a journey to find me again. The little things that make me who I am. The quirky little things that set me apart.
It's dawned on me that some people love me for who I am, quirks and all. Some people will never like me, whether I hide the quirks or not. I need to be who I am. I don't have a huge group of friends here anyhow, so letting the real me out probably won't affect the ones I do have. They already know I am crazy. LOL...
I'm doing it for myself. Just to make me happy. There is a part of me that hopes that my confidence will return. A part of me that hopes I can share music again, without worrying what other people think about me. Part of me that just doesn't care what people think anymore.
I need to be me again. I know that I can be a better wife, a better mom, a better friend if I know who I am and I like who I am.
So. Here is to being myself... and hopefully, to singing again...
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