We were able to go to a chiropractor about my back. After x-rays and all the 'bend here' and 'does that hurt', we found out some information about what was going on...
At the bottom of my spine, where my hips are, my spine was out of alignment and leaning left. It was compressing the discs in my spine and causing nerve pain and damage. By the time my spine reaches my neck, I had lost 50% of the curve to my spine. This was causing nerve pain, headaches, and such...
They started treatment and I improved drastically. I was going 3 times a week, but I am now going once a week. I have had little to no back pain and minor shoulder/neck pain. I have had to slow down and stop doing 50thousand things every day. I have to carry a smaller diaper bag and carry it in hand, not on my shoulder. I have to not carry Caleb around as much. (P.S. He is NOT AT ALL HAPPY about that!!!). I just have to be smart and slow and not do as much as I normally do. I also have to use an ice pack regularly to help with the swelling around the nerves.
We also gave up the dog. She has found a wonderful new home. I am still upset about losing her, but at 65 pounds, she was just too big for me to take care of right now. I still get up and feel like I need to feed her or let her out... I know it will pass... It's just going to take a little time. She was by my side through the bed-rest of my last pregnancy. She was a wonderful pet for the 2 years we had her...
I know I need to stick to the Dr's orders and keep on the right path so that I can do what I need to for my family...
Anyhow...
Zach turns 6 years old tomorrow. His party is Saturday. He chose a puppy dog theme.
The two big kids go back to school on August 2nd. That's one week away. Maybe the chaos of life will calm down once we get back on schedule.
Bryan is still looking for another job. I am still selling things online. We are still sinking... I know God will provide before we actually hit bottom, but my type A personality has certainly struggled letting go and letting God handle this financial valley we are in. We have been helped by a few dear sweet friends and we are so blessed to have such wonderful people around us right now. Bryan is waiting to hear from a possible job... just praying and working and waiting...
That's about it, I guess...
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
10 year anny - Vow renewal - dream wedding - plans 3 years in the making...
A few years ago I started planning what would have been my 'dream wedding'. We were going to have a vow renewal for our 10 year anniversary coming up in August. Due to a lot of different things, we won't be doing it after all. I had it all planned out though, planned just how I wanted, to the detail... so I figured I'd share... from the beginning to the end.
The invites would have been tan or brown paper, maybe with a cream lace pattern on it mailed out in tan craft paper envelopes. Just something simple inviting our friends and family to celebrate with us.
Like this...
The tables would have had cream colored table clothes with a burlap table runner. The plates, cups, and flatware would have been clear plastic. The napkins would have been brown or sage green. The centerpieces would have been split - lanterns, sitting on lace squares, filled with moss and tea lights with moss, pinecones, baby's breath, and acorns scattered around them. The other half of the centerpieces would have been mason jars, with jute and lace wrapped around them, filled with moss and tea lights, sitting on a lace square with moss, acorns, pinecones, and baby's breath around it.
We would have had trees, ferns, plants all over the fireplace.
We would have a food table, drink table, and cake table. They would have all had the same cream/burlap/lace theme. Decorated with moss, rocks, pinecones, acorns, sticks, log slices...
We would have water, tea, lemonade, and coffee for drinks.
I wanted a tiered cake. Vanilla and chocolate layers with buttercream icing. I wanted it decorated like tree stumps/logs stacked on one another... like these
For the food, I wanted simple... like a picnic... sandwiches, rolls, cheese, meats, spreads, crackers, fruits, simple pasta salads or Caesar salads... I would have included smoked salmon, shrimp salad, and cold carrot salad (which my mom used to make) because of what they mean to me...
I also want to have two other cakes on our dessert table - a red velvet and an apple spice cake with caramel frosting - because of what they mean to us... maybe a banana cream pie and a lemon meringue pie too... that's a lot of sweets though...
If we have a ceremony, and I carry flowers - it will just be a mix of fern leaves, baby's breath, and fiddle head ferns.
I would have wore a cream dress - an old prom dress of mine - unless I could get something else. I'd do my hair something like this...
I'd have Ayla in something like these...
And all the boys in something like this...
Other neat things that I wanted to incorporate...
I think that pretty much sums it all up... oh, except...
If we have a ceremony, I want to come out to an instrumental version of the song "Storybook Love" from 'The Princess Bride'...
Anyhow... that's how I have it planned... whenever we get around to doing it...
... I hope I had enough photos for ya! LOL!
The invites would have been tan or brown paper, maybe with a cream lace pattern on it mailed out in tan craft paper envelopes. Just something simple inviting our friends and family to celebrate with us.
Like this...
The tables would have had cream colored table clothes with a burlap table runner. The plates, cups, and flatware would have been clear plastic. The napkins would have been brown or sage green. The centerpieces would have been split - lanterns, sitting on lace squares, filled with moss and tea lights with moss, pinecones, baby's breath, and acorns scattered around them. The other half of the centerpieces would have been mason jars, with jute and lace wrapped around them, filled with moss and tea lights, sitting on a lace square with moss, acorns, pinecones, and baby's breath around it.
We would have had trees, ferns, plants all over the fireplace.
We would have a food table, drink table, and cake table. They would have all had the same cream/burlap/lace theme. Decorated with moss, rocks, pinecones, acorns, sticks, log slices...
We would have water, tea, lemonade, and coffee for drinks.
I wanted a tiered cake. Vanilla and chocolate layers with buttercream icing. I wanted it decorated like tree stumps/logs stacked on one another... like these
For the food, I wanted simple... like a picnic... sandwiches, rolls, cheese, meats, spreads, crackers, fruits, simple pasta salads or Caesar salads... I would have included smoked salmon, shrimp salad, and cold carrot salad (which my mom used to make) because of what they mean to me...
I also want to have two other cakes on our dessert table - a red velvet and an apple spice cake with caramel frosting - because of what they mean to us... maybe a banana cream pie and a lemon meringue pie too... that's a lot of sweets though...
If we have a ceremony, and I carry flowers - it will just be a mix of fern leaves, baby's breath, and fiddle head ferns.
I would have wore a cream dress - an old prom dress of mine - unless I could get something else. I'd do my hair something like this...
I'd have Ayla in something like these...
And all the boys in something like this...
Other neat things that I wanted to incorporate...
Smore Favors?
Princess Bride quote - Love it!!!
Arch for vows?
Hangout space outside the fellowship hall
food labels written on log slices
or written on window panes...
And while I am dreaming... my wedding band no longer fits my finger, it could easily be widened just a bit to fit - or I love these bands, if I was to ever get a new band...
I think that pretty much sums it all up... oh, except...
If we have a ceremony, I want to come out to an instrumental version of the song "Storybook Love" from 'The Princess Bride'...
Anyhow... that's how I have it planned... whenever we get around to doing it...
... I hope I had enough photos for ya! LOL!
My kids - in the digital
Zach's Citizenship Award at graduation
Ayla at Graduation. She also got a citizenship award.
Last day of 2nd for Ayla and last day of Kindergarten for Zach.
Yeah. He knows he is a cutie.
His 1st birthday photos, taken by me of course...
SMILE! :D
Kids... all 4 of them...
Now that I updated everyone about myself... how about an update on my kids.
First off. Angel. My furry baby. She is overweight since I can't take her for regular walks. She sheds like crazy, which means I need to vacuum every other day or it gets nasty. She is also way too protective of me and the house. She growls and barks whenever anyone comes in the house. She growls and barks when she hears a car outside. She does okay with the kids, especially given how much Caleb harasses her. She really needs some space to run and play and get exercise.
Caleb. Clingy. Cute. He bites and throws things. He sits in the hall or by the front door and bangs his head against the wall. He flops on the floor and throws tantrums. He gets in to everything. We have kitchen chairs barricading areas of the house where he is not allowed. He eats all the time, because he burns it off so fast. He never stops. He is always moving. He gets mad if we are out somewhere and I leave him. He will only leave me for Bryan. Otherwise, he screams and cries. He is slowly coming out of that though... He is completely off the bottle and has started sleeping most the night or all night. Next step is potty training, I guess...I'll probably start when Ayla and Zach go back to school next month.
Zachary. Climbing, jumping, running, sliding, my monkey-of-a-son. He is usually covered in bruises or scrapes from his most recent adventure. He can't talk without yelling most of the time. You have to tell him about 4 or 5 times before he listens. He takes 20 minutes to eat a snack and half the time he doesn't even finish his food. He is talking better and is doing well reading, so school this year should be a great help for him. And he has a birthday coming up. FUN!
Ayla. She had her 8th birthday - and her first sleepover party! She just had her 8 year check up this morning. She is very healthy - good hearing, okay sight, good height and weight. She does have a problem. She is anxious. She worries about everything. Her biggest problem right now is causing nightmares, tummy aches, anxiety, separation problems. She is scared that I am going to die. She has to 'check' every 10 minutes at home to make sure I am still there. She won't go play with other kids. She won't spend the night anywhere. She won't even sit with other people at church. We are taking steps to fix that issue. It breaks my heart that she worries so much about things. She should be having fun and enjoying being an 8year old girl...
And so all of that - plus my health problems and our current financial situation - means we don't make it out much. We haven't done much of anything all summer. But I am hoping to change that, even (actually especially) if it means that my kids have to spend time away from me. I'm not sure I believe it when I say it, but it is actually better for all of us if they could spend more time away from me... just not sure how to make that happen right now.
So I guess if anyone out there reads this and wants to 'borrow' my kids for a day, let me know.
First off. Angel. My furry baby. She is overweight since I can't take her for regular walks. She sheds like crazy, which means I need to vacuum every other day or it gets nasty. She is also way too protective of me and the house. She growls and barks whenever anyone comes in the house. She growls and barks when she hears a car outside. She does okay with the kids, especially given how much Caleb harasses her. She really needs some space to run and play and get exercise.
Caleb. Clingy. Cute. He bites and throws things. He sits in the hall or by the front door and bangs his head against the wall. He flops on the floor and throws tantrums. He gets in to everything. We have kitchen chairs barricading areas of the house where he is not allowed. He eats all the time, because he burns it off so fast. He never stops. He is always moving. He gets mad if we are out somewhere and I leave him. He will only leave me for Bryan. Otherwise, he screams and cries. He is slowly coming out of that though... He is completely off the bottle and has started sleeping most the night or all night. Next step is potty training, I guess...I'll probably start when Ayla and Zach go back to school next month.
Zachary. Climbing, jumping, running, sliding, my monkey-of-a-son. He is usually covered in bruises or scrapes from his most recent adventure. He can't talk without yelling most of the time. You have to tell him about 4 or 5 times before he listens. He takes 20 minutes to eat a snack and half the time he doesn't even finish his food. He is talking better and is doing well reading, so school this year should be a great help for him. And he has a birthday coming up. FUN!
Ayla. She had her 8th birthday - and her first sleepover party! She just had her 8 year check up this morning. She is very healthy - good hearing, okay sight, good height and weight. She does have a problem. She is anxious. She worries about everything. Her biggest problem right now is causing nightmares, tummy aches, anxiety, separation problems. She is scared that I am going to die. She has to 'check' every 10 minutes at home to make sure I am still there. She won't go play with other kids. She won't spend the night anywhere. She won't even sit with other people at church. We are taking steps to fix that issue. It breaks my heart that she worries so much about things. She should be having fun and enjoying being an 8year old girl...
And so all of that - plus my health problems and our current financial situation - means we don't make it out much. We haven't done much of anything all summer. But I am hoping to change that, even (actually especially) if it means that my kids have to spend time away from me. I'm not sure I believe it when I say it, but it is actually better for all of us if they could spend more time away from me... just not sure how to make that happen right now.
So I guess if anyone out there reads this and wants to 'borrow' my kids for a day, let me know.
Pain in the... back
I never had any kind of back pain until I had Ayla. I gained a lot if weight during the 41 week pregnancy. She was also 'sunny-side-up' which means for the 35 hours that I was in labor, I was in back-labor. Once she arrived, by force, I had some minor back pain from the epidural.
Two years later, I had Zach. Except a severe spinal headache a few days after the C-section, I felt alright for the most part. I lost a lot of weight and felt okay.
Then, I started having back and knee pain. Sometimes my shoulders would hurt. We didn't do anything about it.
After I had the miscarriage, I never got rid of the extra weight and my pain increased. It still wasn't bad and it wasn't an all-the-time sort of thing.
Well, after all the issues with Caleb's delivery, I have been in almost constant pain.
It's like this...
0 = no pain
1 = minor discomfort
2 = moderate discomfort
3 = major discomfort, starting to really hurt
4 = it hurts, minor but hurting
5 = it hurts, really
6 = pain, 'you should take something for that' pain
7 = more pain, 'you should get that checked out' pain
8 = don't want to move pain
9 = want to curl up in the fetal position and cry pain
10 = I must be dying pain
On an average day, I wake up at a 3.
If I have to run errands like buying groceries, or if I have to clean house - I'll reach a 6 easily.
Sundays, after getting the kids ready/fixing lunch/2 services holding Caleb/standing and walking around visiting - by the time I get to bed I'm often an 8.
For the past 2 hours, I've been at a 9.
But I have 3 kids at home that have to be fed, cared for, and such... Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning... a dog to feed and let outside... not to mention any PLP/H2H work that I might have to do.
The pain in my back is bad, but I think it is also causing other issues.
I often have a 'knot' feeling in my left shoulder and a pain that runs all the way down my arm in to my left wrist. It makes it hard to lift, carry, hold, grasp, twist... well, you get the idea.
I also have a lot of problems with my knees. They get weak and won't hold my weight. I also get pains that run down my legs.
I often have a sore neck/shoulders.
Then last week, Wednesday night, something 'new' happened. I was sitting and felt light headed and dizzy. I have anemia, so I'm used to the lightheaded feeling, but I was sitting. I was holding Caleb, so I put him down. Then I had 3 fingers on my left hand go numb and then start to tingle as if they had fallen asleep. Then I got the same tingly feeling on my face - around my eyebrows, my cheekbones, and the tops of my ears. My vision blurred and then I had a bright spot in my eyes. It all lasted less than a minute and then I had a horrible headache the rest of the night.
Well, that was scary. Bryan and I decided I needed to find out what is wrong with my back. We were going to save up the money for the appointment and then go. Well, a dear friend of mine found out about Wednesday and gave me a check to pay for the appointment.
Tomorrow morning - Wednesday, July 10, 2013 - I am going in to find out how bad the 'significant curve' in my spine is and see if that is what is causing all these other issues. I don't care what is wrong - I know God has healed me already - but I need relief from the constant pain. I want to be able to do my duty as a mom. I want to be able to have fun with my kids. I want to be able to walk without limping.
I'll do my best to blog about the visit, but no promises... Not sure who reads this anyhow...
Two years later, I had Zach. Except a severe spinal headache a few days after the C-section, I felt alright for the most part. I lost a lot of weight and felt okay.
Then, I started having back and knee pain. Sometimes my shoulders would hurt. We didn't do anything about it.
After I had the miscarriage, I never got rid of the extra weight and my pain increased. It still wasn't bad and it wasn't an all-the-time sort of thing.
Well, after all the issues with Caleb's delivery, I have been in almost constant pain.
It's like this...
0 = no pain
1 = minor discomfort
2 = moderate discomfort
3 = major discomfort, starting to really hurt
4 = it hurts, minor but hurting
5 = it hurts, really
6 = pain, 'you should take something for that' pain
7 = more pain, 'you should get that checked out' pain
8 = don't want to move pain
9 = want to curl up in the fetal position and cry pain
10 = I must be dying pain
On an average day, I wake up at a 3.
If I have to run errands like buying groceries, or if I have to clean house - I'll reach a 6 easily.
Sundays, after getting the kids ready/fixing lunch/2 services holding Caleb/standing and walking around visiting - by the time I get to bed I'm often an 8.
For the past 2 hours, I've been at a 9.
But I have 3 kids at home that have to be fed, cared for, and such... Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning... a dog to feed and let outside... not to mention any PLP/H2H work that I might have to do.
The pain in my back is bad, but I think it is also causing other issues.
I often have a 'knot' feeling in my left shoulder and a pain that runs all the way down my arm in to my left wrist. It makes it hard to lift, carry, hold, grasp, twist... well, you get the idea.
I also have a lot of problems with my knees. They get weak and won't hold my weight. I also get pains that run down my legs.
I often have a sore neck/shoulders.
Then last week, Wednesday night, something 'new' happened. I was sitting and felt light headed and dizzy. I have anemia, so I'm used to the lightheaded feeling, but I was sitting. I was holding Caleb, so I put him down. Then I had 3 fingers on my left hand go numb and then start to tingle as if they had fallen asleep. Then I got the same tingly feeling on my face - around my eyebrows, my cheekbones, and the tops of my ears. My vision blurred and then I had a bright spot in my eyes. It all lasted less than a minute and then I had a horrible headache the rest of the night.
Well, that was scary. Bryan and I decided I needed to find out what is wrong with my back. We were going to save up the money for the appointment and then go. Well, a dear friend of mine found out about Wednesday and gave me a check to pay for the appointment.
Tomorrow morning - Wednesday, July 10, 2013 - I am going in to find out how bad the 'significant curve' in my spine is and see if that is what is causing all these other issues. I don't care what is wrong - I know God has healed me already - but I need relief from the constant pain. I want to be able to do my duty as a mom. I want to be able to have fun with my kids. I want to be able to walk without limping.
I'll do my best to blog about the visit, but no promises... Not sure who reads this anyhow...
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Four months...
I know that I keep saying I will post more often. Truth is, it's harder than I thought to update the blog with 3 kids, a dog, 2 business, and everything that has been going on...
Since my last post -
I turned 28, rather quietly.
We had Easter and Mother's Day.
Caleb turned 1 year old - of course we had a great party and I was very busy with décor and cakes and such. I will try to share some photos soon...
Zach graduated from Kindergarten and Ayla graduated from 2nd grade. They both won Citizenship Awards, voted on by their peers.
Now that it's June 1st, my businesses have picked up. Precious Love Photography is growing and my crafting/party planning business is very busy as well.
And of course, with summer upon us and all 3 kids at home, we have been busy playing with friends, having fun at cookouts, playing outside, and we went strawberry picking this week. And this was just their first week of vacation!
I will try and update more often. I really don't think many people read this blog... but I'll try to rant a little more. ;)
Since my last post -
I turned 28, rather quietly.
We had Easter and Mother's Day.
Caleb turned 1 year old - of course we had a great party and I was very busy with décor and cakes and such. I will try to share some photos soon...
Zach graduated from Kindergarten and Ayla graduated from 2nd grade. They both won Citizenship Awards, voted on by their peers.
Now that it's June 1st, my businesses have picked up. Precious Love Photography is growing and my crafting/party planning business is very busy as well.
And of course, with summer upon us and all 3 kids at home, we have been busy playing with friends, having fun at cookouts, playing outside, and we went strawberry picking this week. And this was just their first week of vacation!
I will try and update more often. I really don't think many people read this blog... but I'll try to rant a little more. ;)
Friday, February 15, 2013
You know what...
My birthday is two days away. I will be 28.
So, for whatever reason... not that it has anything to do with my birthday... not that it has anything to do with anything... just for the sake of writing because I feel like writing...
Jessica Ann Milligan was born on February 17, 1985.
She got married August 15, 2003. Now, she is Jessica Ann Hembree.
I am a Christian.
My fave movie EVER is The Princess Bride and my fave song is Storybook Love.
I am a book worm.
I love music.
I am a foodie and will try anything at least once - unless it is peanuts or legumes, which are beans and peas. I have a food intolerance to those. My mouth itches, my chest feels tight, I get horrible stomach cramps - it won't kill me, just make me feel horrible. I especially love coffee, chocolate, Coke, sushi, fresh fruits and veggies, seafood, and pasta.
My fave colors are blue, green, and brown...
I miss the mountains.
I have a little boy sleeping in my lap.
My family comes first. My hubby and kids mean the world to me and I give all I can to take care of them. While we may have our moments, I wouldn't change it for the world.
I am an artist. I draw, paint, write, sew, bead, craft, and do photography. It is an amazing thing to be an artist. I take a material, a basic item, a simple subject - and I have the ability to change it, mold it, adjust by adding or removing from it until I have created something amazing, beautiful, different - full of emotion, feeling, power, and story...
I give. I don't have much materialistically, but I give what I can. I love helping people and being there for those who just need a little blessing. If I can make something or say something or give something and know that it helped, I am blessed.
I love animals. Big dogs, horses, and wild cats most of all. I have a phobia of snakes.
I am also afraid of heights.
I love vintage clothing and jewelry.
I love scarves and toe socks.
I have a fondness for different flavors of chap stick.
If I could be a Disney Princess, I would be Belle.
I love party planning - from decor to food to hosting...
I don't think anyone reads my blog, but I write anyhow.
I need a nap.
I am done writing for today.
So, for whatever reason... not that it has anything to do with my birthday... not that it has anything to do with anything... just for the sake of writing because I feel like writing...
Jessica Ann Milligan was born on February 17, 1985.
She got married August 15, 2003. Now, she is Jessica Ann Hembree.
I am a Christian.
My fave movie EVER is The Princess Bride and my fave song is Storybook Love.
I am a book worm.
I love music.
I am a foodie and will try anything at least once - unless it is peanuts or legumes, which are beans and peas. I have a food intolerance to those. My mouth itches, my chest feels tight, I get horrible stomach cramps - it won't kill me, just make me feel horrible. I especially love coffee, chocolate, Coke, sushi, fresh fruits and veggies, seafood, and pasta.
My fave colors are blue, green, and brown...
the color of the Montana sky on a clear summer morning...
the color of a clear mountain pool...
the color of sapphires and of turquoise...
the bright blue of my daughter's eyes and the steel blue of my oldest son's eyes...
the color of a spring meadow...
the color of leaves and moss...
the color of jade...
the color of my hubby's eyes...
the color of coffee and chocolate...
the color of earth and trees...
the color of my youngest son's eyes...
the color of my dog's fur...
I spent most of my life growing up in the country, and while I love dressing up and being close to town, I am still a country girl at heart. I long for a little country house on some land with dogs and horses. I love my boots and I want a hat to go with them. I've watched calves being born. I used to rope and ride.I miss the mountains.
I have a little boy sleeping in my lap.
My family comes first. My hubby and kids mean the world to me and I give all I can to take care of them. While we may have our moments, I wouldn't change it for the world.
I am an artist. I draw, paint, write, sew, bead, craft, and do photography. It is an amazing thing to be an artist. I take a material, a basic item, a simple subject - and I have the ability to change it, mold it, adjust by adding or removing from it until I have created something amazing, beautiful, different - full of emotion, feeling, power, and story...
I give. I don't have much materialistically, but I give what I can. I love helping people and being there for those who just need a little blessing. If I can make something or say something or give something and know that it helped, I am blessed.
I love animals. Big dogs, horses, and wild cats most of all. I have a phobia of snakes.
I am also afraid of heights.
I love vintage clothing and jewelry.
I love scarves and toe socks.
I have a fondness for different flavors of chap stick.
If I could be a Disney Princess, I would be Belle.
I love party planning - from decor to food to hosting...
I don't think anyone reads my blog, but I write anyhow.
I need a nap.
I am done writing for today.
Music... and why I cannot bring myself to sing in front of people
I love music. I remember music always being in the background of my life. My mom played records while she cleaned the house. I sang in choir from Kindergarten through graduating high school. I've been in church choirs. I've studied music from other cultures. I took music lessons and voice lessons in high school. I almost always have music playing at home. If I know the words to a song, chances are I will sing along... unless someone else in around...
As much as I love music... as much as it is a part of my life... I have a hard time singing solo when people can hear me...
Why?
I am really self-conscious. Crazily so.
When I entered high school, I weighed 180 and was 5ft 5 inches. I was a nerd. I was an outcast. I was scarred from years of mental and emotional abuse. I was a mess.
Then, I decided to change. I didn't want to be that person anymore...
I worked out, a lot. I reached out more. I lost 50 pounds. I had new friends. I had new hobbies. I was working to overcome my past. I was a new person...
I was still a nerd. I was still an oddball, but people liked me for who I was now. And I liked myself, finally...
I was always in choir. Surrounded by other people, all of us singing, I had no problem. Then, a friend of mine (who was also in the choir) asked me to audition for the school musical with her. I figured it couldn't hurt. We both tried out. She didn't get a part, but I was placed on the make-up crew backstage. It was one of the most amazing experiences I had ever had. The spirit, the camaraderie, the fun, the learning experience... It was all amazing.
The next year, I started drama. I loved my drama classes. I loved the new friends. I LOVED the experience of being on stage.
On stage I wasn't Jessica Milligan. I wasn't this broken high school student trying to deal with the reality of my crazy family life. I could be anyone, anywhere, doing anything.
Over the years, things change... Thankfully, I am not the same person. I'm not in the same situations anymore. I don't have to hide who I am.
But, as I said, I am not the same person. Somewhere through the years, I lost my confidence. I'm not happy with how I look. I don't have a huge group of supportive friends. I don't express myself in the quirky little ways that I used to.
I kind of melted into this wife-mom blob. I hid a lot of myself to try and fit in and I lost those parts somewhere. I started second guessing everything that I do... I am tired of it... I've started on a journey to find me again. The little things that make me who I am. The quirky little things that set me apart.
It's dawned on me that some people love me for who I am, quirks and all. Some people will never like me, whether I hide the quirks or not. I need to be who I am. I don't have a huge group of friends here anyhow, so letting the real me out probably won't affect the ones I do have. They already know I am crazy. LOL...
I'm doing it for myself. Just to make me happy. There is a part of me that hopes that my confidence will return. A part of me that hopes I can share music again, without worrying what other people think about me. Part of me that just doesn't care what people think anymore.
I need to be me again. I know that I can be a better wife, a better mom, a better friend if I know who I am and I like who I am.
So. Here is to being myself... and hopefully, to singing again...
As much as I love music... as much as it is a part of my life... I have a hard time singing solo when people can hear me...
Why?
I am really self-conscious. Crazily so.
When I entered high school, I weighed 180 and was 5ft 5 inches. I was a nerd. I was an outcast. I was scarred from years of mental and emotional abuse. I was a mess.
Then, I decided to change. I didn't want to be that person anymore...
I worked out, a lot. I reached out more. I lost 50 pounds. I had new friends. I had new hobbies. I was working to overcome my past. I was a new person...
I was still a nerd. I was still an oddball, but people liked me for who I was now. And I liked myself, finally...
I was always in choir. Surrounded by other people, all of us singing, I had no problem. Then, a friend of mine (who was also in the choir) asked me to audition for the school musical with her. I figured it couldn't hurt. We both tried out. She didn't get a part, but I was placed on the make-up crew backstage. It was one of the most amazing experiences I had ever had. The spirit, the camaraderie, the fun, the learning experience... It was all amazing.
The next year, I started drama. I loved my drama classes. I loved the new friends. I LOVED the experience of being on stage.
On stage I wasn't Jessica Milligan. I wasn't this broken high school student trying to deal with the reality of my crazy family life. I could be anyone, anywhere, doing anything.
Over the years, things change... Thankfully, I am not the same person. I'm not in the same situations anymore. I don't have to hide who I am.
But, as I said, I am not the same person. Somewhere through the years, I lost my confidence. I'm not happy with how I look. I don't have a huge group of supportive friends. I don't express myself in the quirky little ways that I used to.
I kind of melted into this wife-mom blob. I hid a lot of myself to try and fit in and I lost those parts somewhere. I started second guessing everything that I do... I am tired of it... I've started on a journey to find me again. The little things that make me who I am. The quirky little things that set me apart.
It's dawned on me that some people love me for who I am, quirks and all. Some people will never like me, whether I hide the quirks or not. I need to be who I am. I don't have a huge group of friends here anyhow, so letting the real me out probably won't affect the ones I do have. They already know I am crazy. LOL...
I'm doing it for myself. Just to make me happy. There is a part of me that hopes that my confidence will return. A part of me that hopes I can share music again, without worrying what other people think about me. Part of me that just doesn't care what people think anymore.
I need to be me again. I know that I can be a better wife, a better mom, a better friend if I know who I am and I like who I am.
So. Here is to being myself... and hopefully, to singing again...
Monday, February 11, 2013
I'm Crazy... but it's okay
In 2010, we agreed to try for baby #3 and this happened...
There is something a lot of people don't know about all of that and it has been hard for me to share with anyone because - well, to be honest - it sounds crazy...
In April of 2010, I had a ton of dreams that we were going to have twins. My waking moments were filled with the feeling that I needed to prepare for twins. It felt crazy. I asked my aunt about it...
She told me that God had told my husband's mother that my father-in-law was going to marry her. She trusted in it. She prepared for a wedding. Then, she waited. He did ask. She was ready. They got married.
I wasn't sure what to do. I wasn't pregnant yet. Although twins run on my mother's side of the family, what were the chances?
When I got sick in June, the dreams and the feelings stopped. I still didn't know what was going on until later...
When I explained my physical symptoms to the doctor, she told me that implantation spotting is common and can even be significant, especially with the presence of more than one baby... I waited. I prayed that we hadn't lost the pregnancy - one baby or two. It was too late. They ran blood tests and said my hormone levels were very high. I was most likely 10 weeks along or that there may or may not have been more than one, but that there was no way to really tell at that point.
It was hard enough to deal with the miscarriage, so I pushed the thought of twins from my mind.
When I got pregnant again, people joked about twins - and at times, I longed for it... but I always felt like it wasn't going to happen. I knew it would be just one.
I told a few people about some dreams I had at the very beginning of the pregnancy, but not many...
In my dreams, I saw two boys. One fair skinned, with light hair like Ayla and green eyes like Bryan. The other boy was more olive skinned like myself, with brown hair and brown eyes. Twins, but both so different. They were playing in our house and then they ran outside to play... they just ran off... all I could see was their little faces and watching them leave... part of my heart broke.
Once we found out the new baby was a boy, we struggled with a name. We had already picked 2 boys names, but neither seemed right any more. We decided to name the new baby Caleb.
Inside myself, I knew why we couldn't use those other two names. They belonged to the twins. Fair-haired Nathaniel Owen, and dark-eyed Levi Jackson. I saw them smiling in my dreams.
How do you tell people that the miscarriage you had was twins when there is no proof? How do you tell people that you know it would have been two boys and you know what they would have looked like? How do you name children that you never had?
And every time someone would joke about me having twins, I would smile and maybe even laugh - but my heart would twinge.
I know it's crazy, but I know God has blessed me. I know I am crazy. I am sure there will be all kinds of talk about this post and crazy Jessica... but I am just as sure of this as any other Word that God has given to me. I expect people to think I'm crazy, so I finally share this with - well, whoever actually reads this blog...
Believe it... or don't... think that I'm crazy... Or don't... I really only wrote this for myself...
And Nathan and Levi.
There is something a lot of people don't know about all of that and it has been hard for me to share with anyone because - well, to be honest - it sounds crazy...
In April of 2010, I had a ton of dreams that we were going to have twins. My waking moments were filled with the feeling that I needed to prepare for twins. It felt crazy. I asked my aunt about it...
She told me that God had told my husband's mother that my father-in-law was going to marry her. She trusted in it. She prepared for a wedding. Then, she waited. He did ask. She was ready. They got married.
I wasn't sure what to do. I wasn't pregnant yet. Although twins run on my mother's side of the family, what were the chances?
When I got sick in June, the dreams and the feelings stopped. I still didn't know what was going on until later...
When I explained my physical symptoms to the doctor, she told me that implantation spotting is common and can even be significant, especially with the presence of more than one baby... I waited. I prayed that we hadn't lost the pregnancy - one baby or two. It was too late. They ran blood tests and said my hormone levels were very high. I was most likely 10 weeks along or that there may or may not have been more than one, but that there was no way to really tell at that point.
It was hard enough to deal with the miscarriage, so I pushed the thought of twins from my mind.
When I got pregnant again, people joked about twins - and at times, I longed for it... but I always felt like it wasn't going to happen. I knew it would be just one.
I told a few people about some dreams I had at the very beginning of the pregnancy, but not many...
In my dreams, I saw two boys. One fair skinned, with light hair like Ayla and green eyes like Bryan. The other boy was more olive skinned like myself, with brown hair and brown eyes. Twins, but both so different. They were playing in our house and then they ran outside to play... they just ran off... all I could see was their little faces and watching them leave... part of my heart broke.
Once we found out the new baby was a boy, we struggled with a name. We had already picked 2 boys names, but neither seemed right any more. We decided to name the new baby Caleb.
Inside myself, I knew why we couldn't use those other two names. They belonged to the twins. Fair-haired Nathaniel Owen, and dark-eyed Levi Jackson. I saw them smiling in my dreams.
How do you tell people that the miscarriage you had was twins when there is no proof? How do you tell people that you know it would have been two boys and you know what they would have looked like? How do you name children that you never had?
And every time someone would joke about me having twins, I would smile and maybe even laugh - but my heart would twinge.
I know it's crazy, but I know God has blessed me. I know I am crazy. I am sure there will be all kinds of talk about this post and crazy Jessica... but I am just as sure of this as any other Word that God has given to me. I expect people to think I'm crazy, so I finally share this with - well, whoever actually reads this blog...
Believe it... or don't... think that I'm crazy... Or don't... I really only wrote this for myself...
And Nathan and Levi.
Almost dying... and miracles
"It's a miracle that the damage isn't more significant..."
"It's a miracle that you made it through that."
"It's a miracle that you don't have permanent damage..."
"I've been here for years and never seen it that severe. It's a miracle that you made it here before it got worse."
"It's a miracle that you're here."
"I've never seen this happen before..."
I'm a miracle.
It is still hard for me to think about it.
Caleb's pregnancy was difficult. His delivery had issues. Been there and done that. LOL! I didn't have much of an issue accepting these two things. I had problems with Ayla and Zach's deliveries also. Then, it all changed. This time it was different. They sent me home really soon. I still hurt so much. I was still so swollen. They told me it was normal and to give it time. We did. It got worse. I couldn't sleep or move because of the pain. I felt miserable. I couldn't even hold Caleb and had to stop breastfeeding because the pain was just too much.
He was just days old and I couldn't even hold him. I couldn't think through the pain. The doctors just kept saying "try this", "take the pain meds and rest", "give it time, it will get better". Then, I pretty much became delirious. Bryan took me to the ER.
I remember being at home and feeling like I was going to die. I was scared. I remember arriving at the hospital and going into triage...
Then, I remember being in my hospital room. The room I ended up spending 6 days in. 6 days away from my husband, brand new baby, and two other children.
I learned from Bryan, the nurses, and the doctors what had happened...
Somewhere along the line - between delivering Caleb and ended up back at the hospital - I developed a blockage in my urinary system. I had over 8 liters of fluid backed up in my body. I had acute kidney failure and a severe urinary infection. The toxins in my system could have killed me. The infection was serious enough to have caused permanent damage. My bladder had stretched like a water balloon and might never return to normal. I was seriously anemic from the delivery.
They treated me with anti-biotics and pain meds. After a couple days, I was better, but not enough... I had 4 different doctors. 3 told me to go home, but one said not yet. The doctor ordered some tests and discovered that the treatment had caused an imbalance in my system that led to a severe intestinal infection called C-Diff. I had to stay and be treated for it because it was severe and contagious. They finally got me well enough to be released.
I had missed a week of my new baby's life. My two older children were cared for by Bryan's family. Bryan stepped up and took care of Caleb - He already had his mommy taken away. He needed his daddy. My husband did what few men would. He could have said it was too much, too hard, and had someone else take care of him. He stepped up. He grew so close to Caleb, which I didn't expect after Bryan not wanting a 3rd baby. He was a different man when I came home. Of course, my almost dying might have had something to do with it, but that's okay...
Ayla and Zach were both very happy to be back home, not spending the night with family. They were glad to see me again. I can only imagine what that week was like for them... After 8 months, Ayla still won't go anywhere without me... It's hard for me to think of what might be going through her mind...
I spent the next few months struggling with my health. There were a lot of doctor's visits and testing and lab results. Time after time, they said it was amazing. Doctors, who don't use the 'M' word lightly, were telling me it was a miracle that I was here and relatively healthy. The infections threw off my system, which is still a little shaky, but I am getting better. I get sick pretty easy, but nothing that soap, had sanitizer, and vitamins can't help. I finally healed from the actual delivery. I gained a lot of weight that I need to lose. I have some continued stomach sensitivity and have to watch what I eat so I don't end up in pain. I get headaches more often. I also got this pain in my left shoulder (like a knot under my shoulder blade). It flares up and causes the inside of my elbow and my wrist to hurt (a lot). We aren't sure if it's a nerve problem or just over use from caring for the house and kids. Since Bryan is earning so little, after being unemployed 2 months, I haven't been back to a doctor since the end of July.
I know God healed me. I might still feel pains and have problems, but it's just because my body hasn't manifested the completed healing yet. It might be tonight, or tomorrow, or a year from now... One day, I won't be sick. I won't have pains. I'll feel wonderful. I'm just walking toward that day.
If medical science says I could have died, but I am still here - It's God.
If doctors can say I should have permanent damage, but don't - It's God.
If the world can say it's a miracle... that I am a miracle... I say it's God.
And if God spared me, and if God healed me, He must have a reason... Maybe it was just to bring Bryan closer to the kids. Maybe it was to bring us all closer as a family. Maybe it was to bring us all closer to him... I don't know. I might never know. I do know one thing...
I have been blessed beyond measure and I have been given the chance to enjoy those blessings and I want to try harder every day to give the glory to God and to rejoice and enjoy those blessings.
In the past few weeks, Satan has plagued me with dreams of things from my past. He has forced me to rethink certain events in my life and my reaction to them. While I faced these personal trials, Bryan and I have been dealing with other trials - health, finances, not being able to spend time together just the two of us, plans falling through, children growing up - life.
I sat and thought about the lingering pain... about not being able to connect with people and feeling like I didn't have many friends... about not 'fitting in'... about not feeling like a good wife because of my condition... about never being able to stay above the water... about never having time for myself... about all the problems, about all the pain, about all the past hurts...
And then God spoke.
Instead of looking at the problems, look at where you were. Look at how far you've come. Look at the blessings you already have. The darkest time comes before the dawn. The toughest trials bring the sweetest blessings. The heat and pressure bring forth the diamond.
Sunday at church, God spoke of Philip - He looked at the 5000 men (plus women and children) and said it would cost so much to feed them, too much, they had nothing to buy food with... At the same time, Andrew looked around and said LORD, there is a boy with bread and fish... A little boy's lunch... but in God's hands that lunch fed them all till they were full and there were baskets left over...
My Philip said there was still pain, not enough money, not enough time, too much stress, too much squabbling, too many problems...
My Andrew says - I have a wonderful, loving, supportive little family. I have folks out there who are praying for me and always there when I really need them. We have food, shelter, clothing, transportation, hubby has a job, we are healthy...
The day WILL come when our desires become reality because God can take our 'little lunch' and perform a miracle...
In the meantime, I'm going to praise Him for it all. I'm going to share what I do have with those around me. I will work and walk toward the dreams of my heart and trust in HIS promises...
And when the kids fight, or the gas tank runs low, or the pain creeps in, or Bryan and I have an intense moment - I will praise HIM. Because every time... EVERY TIME... God shows us the way through and things are better than before... I know even better things are on the way and everyday I will do my best to praise Him for His work in my life...
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Growing Babies
Zachary, 5 years old
Caleb, 8 months old
Ayla, 7 years old
My babies are growing up.
So, the last time I posted I shared maternity photos. Obviously, I'm not pregnant anymore. Caleb Anthony was born in May. It's been a rough road though. Here is a little about the last few months...
I ended up in the hospital again between my post April 19th and Caleb's birth on May 18th. I kept having contractions, but never dilated. We went in on the 18th as planned. Everything was okay until they tried to place the spinal. I had expressed my concern about the return of a spinal headache, so the anaesthesiologist was very careful as he prepared. I was very swollen from the pregnancy. So swollen, he had to massage my back to push away some of the 'water' from the area of the injection. Then he made a comment about the previous spinal headache that I had with Zachary. He said he was shocked that I hadn't had a worse problem because I have a 'signifcant curve' in my spine. He tried 3 times, but was finally able to apply the spinal.
Bryan was brought in and in just a few minutes, Caleb Anthony was born. He was 9 pounds 1 ounce and 20.5 inches long. Bryan went to be with the baby. The Drs proceeded with tying my tubes and removing some of the scar tissue from the previous 2 c-sections. Apparently, there was quite a bit of scarring and it took them longer than anticipated. They were concerned about the anesthesia and the amount of blood that I lost during the procedure. I was sent to post op/recovery and got to see Caleb. We were then taken to our room and everyone got to visit.
I was only kept a couple days, during which I had a painful scare. They said it was just normal bowel problems and nothing to worry about. I was sent home, still swollen and in pain, but alright according to the Dr.
The pain grew worse over the next few days. The swelling didn't go away like it did with the other two deliveries. I eventually grew delirious and Bryan took me to the hospital. I was so scared.
They said it was a blockage in my urinary system. I had over 8 liters of fluid backed up in my system. The toxins caused infection and acute kidney failure. My bladder was stretched and I might have permanent damage. It was a miracle that I was still alive. While being treated for these problems, I developed an intestinal infection, c-diff. I was kept in the hospital for 6 days. I missed the first week of Caleb's life.
Bryan stepped up and took care of everything. The older kids visited with family while Bryan kept the baby himself. It has had such an impact on him. It also had an impact on Ayla, who won't go anywhere without me now...
I spent the rest of May, June, and July visiting Drs and having tests done to determine the damage. I was still in a lot of pain. I struggled with daily tasks, just carrying the baby. It took almost 7 months for most of the problems to mend. I still struggle with pain, but it seems to be unrelated (although we have not been able to afford for me to have the problem examined).
That's another part of the past few months. Bryan was managing a title loan store and making good money when Caleb was born. Then, they fired him. He was unemployed for almost two months before finding his current job. He is not making much. We have been blessed by the generosity of family and friends who have helped us to get by the past few months. He is now waiting on a promotion!
I look back at the past year and wonder why. I am amazed at all the little ways that God provided. I am thankful that he allowed me to be a 'miracle'. I cannot begin to tell you all of the little things that have happened - but you get the basics. I plan on taking the next few posts to cover a variety of topics - pictures of my kids, an update on my business, plans for our upcoming year...
I don't know if anyone actually ever reads this blog, but I thought it might give me a place to vent and share...
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