"It's a miracle that the damage isn't more significant..."
"It's a miracle that you made it through that."
"It's a miracle that you don't have permanent damage..."
"I've been here for years and never seen it that severe. It's a miracle that you made it here before it got worse."
"It's a miracle that you're here."
"I've never seen this happen before..."
I'm a miracle.
It is still hard for me to think about it.
Caleb's pregnancy was difficult. His delivery had issues. Been there and done that. LOL! I didn't have much of an issue accepting these two things. I had problems with Ayla and Zach's deliveries also. Then, it all changed. This time it was different. They sent me home really soon. I still hurt so much. I was still so swollen. They told me it was normal and to give it time. We did. It got worse. I couldn't sleep or move because of the pain. I felt miserable. I couldn't even hold Caleb and had to stop breastfeeding because the pain was just too much.
He was just days old and I couldn't even hold him. I couldn't think through the pain. The doctors just kept saying "try this", "take the pain meds and rest", "give it time, it will get better". Then, I pretty much became delirious. Bryan took me to the ER.
I remember being at home and feeling like I was going to die. I was scared. I remember arriving at the hospital and going into triage...
Then, I remember being in my hospital room. The room I ended up spending 6 days in. 6 days away from my husband, brand new baby, and two other children.
I learned from Bryan, the nurses, and the doctors what had happened...
Somewhere along the line - between delivering Caleb and ended up back at the hospital - I developed a blockage in my urinary system. I had over 8 liters of fluid backed up in my body. I had acute kidney failure and a severe urinary infection. The toxins in my system could have killed me. The infection was serious enough to have caused permanent damage. My bladder had stretched like a water balloon and might never return to normal. I was seriously anemic from the delivery.
They treated me with anti-biotics and pain meds. After a couple days, I was better, but not enough... I had 4 different doctors. 3 told me to go home, but one said not yet. The doctor ordered some tests and discovered that the treatment had caused an imbalance in my system that led to a severe intestinal infection called C-Diff. I had to stay and be treated for it because it was severe and contagious. They finally got me well enough to be released.
I had missed a week of my new baby's life. My two older children were cared for by Bryan's family. Bryan stepped up and took care of Caleb - He already had his mommy taken away. He needed his daddy. My husband did what few men would. He could have said it was too much, too hard, and had someone else take care of him. He stepped up. He grew so close to Caleb, which I didn't expect after Bryan not wanting a 3rd baby. He was a different man when I came home. Of course, my almost dying might have had something to do with it, but that's okay...
Ayla and Zach were both very happy to be back home, not spending the night with family. They were glad to see me again. I can only imagine what that week was like for them... After 8 months, Ayla still won't go anywhere without me... It's hard for me to think of what might be going through her mind...
I spent the next few months struggling with my health. There were a lot of doctor's visits and testing and lab results. Time after time, they said it was amazing. Doctors, who don't use the 'M' word lightly, were telling me it was a miracle that I was here and relatively healthy. The infections threw off my system, which is still a little shaky, but I am getting better. I get sick pretty easy, but nothing that soap, had sanitizer, and vitamins can't help. I finally healed from the actual delivery. I gained a lot of weight that I need to lose. I have some continued stomach sensitivity and have to watch what I eat so I don't end up in pain. I get headaches more often. I also got this pain in my left shoulder (like a knot under my shoulder blade). It flares up and causes the inside of my elbow and my wrist to hurt (a lot). We aren't sure if it's a nerve problem or just over use from caring for the house and kids. Since Bryan is earning so little, after being unemployed 2 months, I haven't been back to a doctor since the end of July.
I know God healed me. I might still feel pains and have problems, but it's just because my body hasn't manifested the completed healing yet. It might be tonight, or tomorrow, or a year from now... One day, I won't be sick. I won't have pains. I'll feel wonderful. I'm just walking toward that day.
If medical science says I could have died, but I am still here - It's God.
If doctors can say I should have permanent damage, but don't - It's God.
If the world can say it's a miracle... that I am a miracle... I say it's God.
And if God spared me, and if God healed me, He must have a reason... Maybe it was just to bring Bryan closer to the kids. Maybe it was to bring us all closer as a family. Maybe it was to bring us all closer to him... I don't know. I might never know. I do know one thing...
I have been blessed beyond measure and I have been given the chance to enjoy those blessings and I want to try harder every day to give the glory to God and to rejoice and enjoy those blessings.
In the past few weeks, Satan has plagued me with dreams of things from my past. He has forced me to rethink certain events in my life and my reaction to them. While I faced these personal trials, Bryan and I have been dealing with other trials - health, finances, not being able to spend time together just the two of us, plans falling through, children growing up - life.
I sat and thought about the lingering pain... about not being able to connect with people and feeling like I didn't have many friends... about not 'fitting in'... about not feeling like a good wife because of my condition... about never being able to stay above the water... about never having time for myself... about all the problems, about all the pain, about all the past hurts...
And then God spoke.
Instead of looking at the problems, look at where you were. Look at how far you've come. Look at the blessings you already have. The darkest time comes before the dawn. The toughest trials bring the sweetest blessings. The heat and pressure bring forth the diamond.
Sunday at church, God spoke of Philip - He looked at the 5000 men (plus women and children) and said it would cost so much to feed them, too much, they had nothing to buy food with... At the same time, Andrew looked around and said LORD, there is a boy with bread and fish... A little boy's lunch... but in God's hands that lunch fed them all till they were full and there were baskets left over...
My Philip said there was still pain, not enough money, not enough time, too much stress, too much squabbling, too many problems...
My Andrew says - I have a wonderful, loving, supportive little family. I have folks out there who are praying for me and always there when I really need them. We have food, shelter, clothing, transportation, hubby has a job, we are healthy...
The day WILL come when our desires become reality because God can take our 'little lunch' and perform a miracle...
In the meantime, I'm going to praise Him for it all. I'm going to share what I do have with those around me. I will work and walk toward the dreams of my heart and trust in HIS promises...
And when the kids fight, or the gas tank runs low, or the pain creeps in, or Bryan and I have an intense moment - I will praise HIM. Because every time... EVERY TIME... God shows us the way through and things are better than before... I know even better things are on the way and everyday I will do my best to praise Him for His work in my life...
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