I'm Crazy... but it's okay

In 2010, we agreed to try for baby #3 and this happened...

There is something a lot of people don't know about all of that and it has been hard for me to share with anyone because - well, to be honest - it sounds crazy...

In April of 2010, I had a ton of dreams that we were going to have twins. My waking moments were filled with the feeling that I needed to prepare for twins. It felt crazy. I asked my aunt about it...

She told me that God had told my husband's mother that my father-in-law was going to marry her. She trusted in it. She prepared for a wedding. Then, she waited. He did ask. She was ready. They got married.

I wasn't sure what to do. I wasn't pregnant yet. Although twins run on my mother's side of the family, what were the chances?

When I got sick in June, the dreams and the feelings stopped. I still didn't know what was going on until later...

When I explained my physical symptoms to the doctor, she told me that implantation spotting is common and can even be significant, especially with the presence of more than one baby... I waited. I prayed that we hadn't lost the pregnancy - one baby or two. It was too late. They ran blood tests and said my hormone levels were very high. I was most likely 10 weeks along or that there may or may not have been more than one, but that there was no way to really tell at that point.

It was hard enough to deal with the miscarriage, so I pushed the thought of twins from my mind.

When I got pregnant again, people joked about twins - and at times, I longed for it... but I always felt like it wasn't going to happen. I knew it would be just one.

I told a few people about some dreams I had at the very beginning of the pregnancy, but not many...

In my dreams, I saw two boys. One fair skinned, with light hair like Ayla and green eyes like Bryan. The other boy was more olive skinned like myself, with brown hair and brown eyes. Twins, but both so different. They were playing in our house and then they ran outside to play... they just ran off... all I could see was their little faces and watching them leave... part of my heart broke.

Once we found out the new baby was a boy, we struggled with a name. We had already picked 2 boys names, but neither seemed right any more. We decided to name the new baby Caleb.

Inside myself, I knew why we couldn't use those other two names. They belonged to the twins. Fair-haired Nathaniel Owen, and dark-eyed Levi Jackson. I saw them smiling in my dreams.

How do you tell people that the miscarriage you had was twins when there is no proof? How do you tell people that you know it would have been two boys and you know what they would have looked like? How do you name children that you never had?

And every time someone would joke about me having twins, I would smile and maybe even laugh - but my heart would twinge.

I know it's crazy, but I know God has blessed me. I know I am crazy. I am sure there will be all kinds of talk about this post and crazy Jessica... but I am just as sure of this as any other Word that God has given to me. I expect people to think I'm crazy, so I finally share this with - well, whoever actually reads this blog...

Believe it... or don't... think that I'm crazy... Or don't... I really only wrote this for myself...

And Nathan and Levi.